June 30, 2020

The bird kept chirping outside my window, as if in response to my hiccuping sobs. I wanted to pick up paper to write about it, this contrast between something beautiful and lively, and someone so lonely, but the thought of taking action was painful. I knew that to hold the pen would hurt my wearied, trembling fingers; to find a place to write would be inconvenient, and the whole process of looking for a pad of paper was too overwhelming to consider. Instead I was kept bowed, broken, in my chair.

After a while, my sobs cease, but the chirping of the bird increased. He had never been chirping for me in the first place. Nature was indifferent to me, as removed from me as if it could not care that I existed. But although I was removed from it, I cared very much. I wanted to be appreciative – engaging in it – but I was stuck inside, cold, lying in bed… I’m too tired to eat the food I just finished heating up.

But I knew that the longer I waited to eat, the worse I would feel.

There is a series of chapters in the Brothers Karamazov that begin with ‘lacerations at’. They talk about all the places where Alyosha receives pain to his heart - lacerations - that cut him open and tear at his sensitive soul. I would title this episode of my life: ‘lacerations at my brother’s.’

There is a desolation in the realization that a place that you considered a sanctuary is in fact a desert. That a place you thought you could escape to was really a desolate place. I want my weak body to be OK with the fact that there is no table at which to eat, no hot water to bathe in, no couch to sit on, no regular bed to lounge on. I want my body to accept that cast-iron pans are not from the devil, and that large 2 gallon jars of milk are not a cruel invention created by sadistic people.

But you see, it hurts me to hold my whole bowl of soup in my hands and I need a table to put it on. It hurts me to sit in wicker chairs and I need a couch to curl up on. My whole body is in pain all the time, and the only thing that takes it away is a bath of hot water. But the only way I can get it is to boil gallons of water on the stove and carry them across the expanse of the apartment - all the while making myself weaker and shakier, and more and more increasing my pain. The 2 gallon jar of milk is so heavy that I spill as much as I pour into my glass. And the cast iron pans are so heavy and bulky that they are impossible for me to lift and clean.

I wanted to come keep my brother company, but I did not account for all these things that bring me pain. I did not account for the fact that I would be miserable. And the bottom line is, that he does not much care about having me here. He cares more for the friend who just returned from college, with whom he spent his birthday evening, and went to lunch without me. If he really wanted me here, now or at another time, he would do his upmost to make the environment comfortable – ready for me, and for my mother. But that is not his concern. He is living his life, three hours from my home. He left, and perhaps he does not want to be with us unless he chooses to come back, which he does from time to time. Although it is impossible for me to spend quality time with him at those times, for we are surrounded by many people and conversation is not possible amongst the small children. I am alone anyway, and I need to stop being desperate to retain those people who I thought would be there for me - no matter what.

February 12, 2023

Loving you is an easy exercise, but losing you is agony. Do not allow me, Lord, to lose you, but thy will be done. If you should will this loss, this is better than if I should know you to be near. Come oh mercy, come oh god. Remediate me. Remove food, so that I might heal further, and eat greater foods than these. How alone I am without you! No one is my refuge. I can find no home. You are my home, but you have adandoned me to the wilderness. Here I lie in the wilderness, cold and naked, and here I cry to you, oh my master. My king, do you not love me?

• They have spoken lies of you, my bride, and there is hatred against you throughout the city. I banish you to stenghthen and protect you. Do not think I have abandoned you, for still, I equip you, and keep a watchful eye. How can I not? Do I leave my little ones alone? Do I abandon them? This is the total will of my Father, that I do not lose one of these little ones. Do you wander and weep? Know that my guardians watch you closely, and report all to me. And when a stranger gives you food, it is because my servants asked them ahead of time. But you cannot know, for my enemy watches you closely as well, and they will see anything that you know. Believe, do not hate me, although there is anger in your heart. Do not depart from me within thy will, for my will is yours, and if you abandon it, you shall be lost to the outer darkness. Your will is not strong, it never was, and your call, your task, is too great for your will. So, although it may have been strengthened before I gave you my will, still it shall collapse, and you shall be a writihing misery upon the ground.